What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 25.06.2025 02:43
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
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Was to survive, this bastard.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
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The only rule us 5 kids had .
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
We were not on the streets..
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Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
She was in good health!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
When she asked me how she looked .
I don,t even have a pension.
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The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Especially a lifetime of it.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
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Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
She found it foreign!.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
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Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
But it wasn’t much.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
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I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I was seconnd youngest,
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It was going to be , some day.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Would this be the day?
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
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Comes on , in middle age.
As i do to all so called friends.?
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
My life is so biszare .
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Put me off passion for life!!
One cannot live in the past .
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I never cut or harmed myself..
And i lived it daily.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I was very sick at this time too.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Why did i forgive my father ?
But, we were locked up after school.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I couldn’t, believe it.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I waited trembling.
I could never make a relationship work though!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Who then, do I blame.?
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I have no regrets .
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
We all went to grammer schools
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
What did i know ?
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
But ive been too sick for many years..
I was 9 years of age.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I will be 64.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
This is soul school!.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
She married twice! .
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
He resisted the act ,that day.
Ive learnt so much.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
(And it was in our own minds.)
They are buried together, in the same grave..
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I was scared of men, in general
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
He knew the spot.
I write beautiful poetry .
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
So, i spoilt her more .
My family never makes their pension either.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Im still living with it.
She wouldn,t have been !
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
All the time i was locked up.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I said to her
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
She loved him until the end.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I think the readers, may guess!
So whats the point in blame.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.